an ode to love/laugh/One/Truth...

i have spent my whole life trying to find love and it has always been right here, waiting silently, patient, kind, unrelentless and expanding itself further and further to accustom my ever growing pains.

i have given my all to men, nurtured their insecurities, inflated them, glorified their egos, gave them silver spoons to dig deeper and deeper within my own issues, all in an effort that one day they would have that 'look' in their eyes when they look at me.
all of the while i was taking care of them so that they in return start taking care of me, doesn't it work like this now does it?

i don't need this kind of love, because my kind of love has always been there for me, waiting, looking at me fondly, astute, expandable, fluorescent, with big cartoon eyes smiling innocently at me.

i have done magic to uplift my appearance, popped endless pills to get rid of 25% of the fat in my meals. sweated 500+ calories on new fad gym machines, bought push ups, hipsters, wonder blahs and applied 4 different types of creams everyday that i can't even pronounce their names.

and all of that time, love was right there by my side, holding my hand when i didn't know where to put it. every night when i used to kiss myself before going to sleep, pretending that the kissing end was this or that guy, love would smile at me and hold my head to steady it throughout my insomnia, to appease my laxative induced tummy aches and looked back at me at 5 am in the mirror reassuring me 'beautiful..yes.. you are still here..no wrinkles so far'

then i gave it all up, i gave up on this and that guy, on that weird ex, or analyzing the many unresolved fuck ups i thought they epitomized my ideal of a romantic partner. i threw myself into the void, i embraced the strict machine behind my bed, idolized the posters above my desk, and expanded my collection on my desktop. I freed up my appetite, i developed new taste buds for sweets and bought 4 new pajamas. see i didn't give up, i just decided to sit down and drink a refreshing potion of binges, rejecting dates, and not answering my messages. i just wanted them away from me, none of them are attractive anymore, no i don't like your car, your music taste is like all the others, and as for you: kindly google 'BO'. even the Clooney chiseled ones, your flirtatious skills peeve the Romeo out of the Juliet in me.

Thats when love made his move, He slowly started showing up, hidden behind that Subway Melt, watching from behind that movie screen, popping out of my screensaver. I didn't see Him at first, though i spoke to Him all the time, by and by complained to Him, cried and screamed at Him and constantly envying His patience and His majesty: why are You so wise? why do You let people treat you like this? cant You see me talking to You here? You may be invisible to me, but You can still hear me cant you now?

He stood there, still with that soothing look in His eyes, one that always ends up making me cry if I stare at it for too long, and i always ended up with tears. till one day, i stared beyond tears, i held His gaze for an extra millisecond, and there it was, i saw it. No it wasn't a 'love' look you nitwits, it was a proud look, no not even that.. it was a 'there.. you are still here.. aren't you now?' look, a look of His overjoy for keeping me that extra millisecond, followed by a brief empowering stare.. and thats how it all started to dawn on me.

So i became hooked on that look, i would deliberately drive myself to tears so i can see it, but it wasn't there, at least not the one i think i saw. So i fell back into my ever expanding void, but with an ongoing conversation with Him that never ends.

Till one day He asked me "If you cant love yourself, how can you find any love from Me"
i laughed to look cool, "seriously? love myself?"… He answered me back "Don't be surprised.. you are much closer than you think are".. "how so?".. "follow the writings in your head.. I am in them.. stop reading other people's books, read mine only, and do NOT let anyone interpret it for you.. you have to interpret it yourself"..

I didn't read His book, i wasn't that confident in my literary abilities to equip me for this. I just kept talking to Him everyday and He, ever so witty "you silly little piglet… still can't love yourself?" "what is this? how am i supposed to achieve this, kiss myself in the mirror after brushing my teeth?".. "then you will never love me…"

Here is an idea, how about if i reverse it? can I love Him first and then love me?
"what do you reckon?"
…………….
"what?"
……………
"please don't.."

"Nevine.... you got it!"

I did? how so? no no… that was easy.. too easy.. but what if He is .. right? love Him and then love me, but doesn't this defy the purpose, its like buying the whole tree first, and then you also buy for the flowers that grew out of it… "No habibty.." what is this? where is Your logic? "I ve never invented logic, its what you and mankind have deduced out of observing my treatment of you.. you never buy a tree, its always given to you for free, its the people around you that place a price tag on everything.. the tree has always been for free, i placed it there in the first place for you.. once you sit down and spend some time with it, you start to realize that its biggest and pivotal essence is its flower, the SEED of its flower.. and that is you and me, i am your tree, i grew out of you and then i created you again, and after creating you, i carried you in my arms, i have shielded you from all the dangers around you, i have searched the ground beneath me for water and found to nurture you and to see you grow and blossom into the beautiful flower that you are right now"

I … speechless…. I am not 'I' anymore, I am now 'us', i am him and me, He is me and I am Him..
So simple, so poised in its structure, eloquent to my senses and as i said, always there, the simplest of all. Damn, the seed? thats me? He was carrying me all that time? i was terrified of everything around me when He has always been part of me?

So i started loving Him, and the rest is His-story.......

(Note: if you dont get the meaning behind this by now, please dont ask me, go to your nearest religious figure and invite him for a Whiskey)