"Nevine" or "Nevine"?

Tonight at 4 am, as I said my last prayers of the night, I lay my whole upper body on my knees and laid my head at their tips, I finalized my daily personal requests, then I suddenly felt myself taking this posture: it was immensely soothing, very yoga-days-reminiscent and I started taking several deep breaths and paused, I took more breaths and paused, the more I did so, the more I felt the blood rushing into my head, but in a good way, as it was withdrawing the terrible anxiety i have been feeling for the past five hours from my gut and spreading to my entire body, slowly creeping up to my head, all in all orchestrated by my deep breaths. Then out of the blue, came a voice:
"Nevine"

"Nevine"

"Nevine"

It could have been me trying to remember my name, or thats what it seemed at the first instant, but by the second "Nevine", something changed: as it hit me that it wasn't me saying "Nevine", it wasn't another voice. But for a split second, it sounded like how "Nevine" appeared to others. This may be from the phonetic aspect of my name, it having 2 vowels obliges the speaker to do some tongue twisting and somehow realize once you say it that it has nothing to do with Arab or Egyptian names (thank you mum, kudos dad) but no, that still wasn't it.
I sat in this awkward position asking myself why all of a sudden have I decided to say my own name? and then, for a split second or maybe less, it dawned on me.

This is the Nevine spoken as in how Nevine is seen.

You see.. most of us take our names for granted, I know many Nevines but when I speak out their names, I don't really consider mine in the process.

I said Nevine but I didn't really say it, Nevine was being said as others would say it, as other would see it, as others would feel it and as others would like to utter it.

This may be a very minor and meaningless observation, but the significance behind it for me is astounding. You see, for a good while, I wont dramatize and say my whole life, I have been very concerned (sometimes even reproached) about how others see me, I was manifesting my personality and justifying my individuality, whatever that is, as how it would appear to others. That being said, I worked from inside out, i.e. I focused on how me from within would like to be perceived and assumed that this is how others would see me. Example: If I was interested in how people view my mode of conversing I would usually see it from my own perspective, I would assume I use too many English with this person and I swear too much around these people…etc. Thats how I saw my manner of conversing and since I, as Nevine saw it as such, then I am sure everyone saw it as such. In other words, I made people's assumptions about me based upon MY OWN assumptions about myself.

Which brings us to the point of this rather confusing blog post: by hearing that 4 am "Nevine" this whole analysis above flipped upside down, for the first time I realized that the "Nevine" that I see is something completely different to the "Nevine" that people see. Again if we take the linguistics analysis above, just because I assume and I believe that I use too many English words in my conversations with X person, this does not necessarily mean that this X person sees it as such, he may see it that I use too many Arabic words in my speech for example.

Therefore, this is a phenomenal self discovery in my very own version of the science of 'self worth', if I insist I am a retard with a golden retriever hair and a piggy nose, even though I seem to others as a semi-retard with a Husky hair and a rather small nose. But me believing the former will eventually make everyone switch from the latter perspective of me and join me in my former view of myself. All of this because I heard my name today after my prayers.

I have always been amazed by the energies, the law of attraction (not The Secret, that was a literary rape case) and all that mumbo jumbo of karma, power of now, shakras and even projections. During my advertising days, they always used to tell me "you gotta believe that what what you are about to present to your client is the best work a creative has ever came up with, otherwise they will not buy it", and it used to somehow offend me, after endless days and 50 liters of Nescafe, this is not what is going to cut it! But it is.. sadly so, it is. You are what you believe you are, and people will not believe you if you do not believe in your ad boards about female depilatory products (or chocolate, or fizzy drinks, or el leban el se7ry..) If you envy men, act like them. If you envy Penguins, wear a tight skirt and walk like them. If you want to have madonna's career, go to Med school (she is an exception here).

Scared of that presentation? Start practicing Obama's 'Yes we can", or dig up your 15 year Oscar speech (20 in my case) Or simply take my revelation as your skate board and start saying your name out loud to yourself, you will laugh, you will feel stupid, but hey .. so what? you have had many stupid moments before, so You must be an expert on the stupidometer. Feel it. Believe it. Be it. Period.

Sorry, there is no laughter aspect in here, I forgot to mention I am a Gemini, which means one of my 26 personalities is writing my blog this time.

Happy Feast y'all, indulge on the Fatta (and name calling…ermmm… your name that is)